Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I am so dead.....

Sometimes I really think that I am crazy. Yesterday night I was taking a bath and soaping myself when I felt a lump like thing on my pelvic bone. I got scared and imagined it be a cancerous growth. My heart stopped for a minute and I wallowed on a cancer trip. How I was dying and trying to be brave and selfless, always smiling no matter what but still being scared of death.

Then today morning there was a scene and I just wanted to die. I mean I just got fed up of everything and wondered what it felt like to JUST DIE. My friend Lena says she has never thought of death as an ption ever. She says that she’d rather kill that person who makes her cry. Well I cant do that cos I love biju though he is such a !@#$% sometimes and also he pays all the bills. You don’t want to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs.

I think of walking out sometimes but cant bear to live in a place without AC or Plasma TV and also I just cant sleep without him next to me. But really today I am so pissed off with him. Don’t even ask me what the fight was about. It’s so silly that you’d laugh. But silly things become big things triggering tears and thoughts of death.

Today I really realized why I work. I don’t work for money, for job satisfaction, to quench my creative urge. I don’t.

I work to keep my sanity. My mother always said this, never believed her. Until now.

We had a team building exercise today .It was nice and I was even laughing.

To think I wanted to die. Funny.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Ego Massage

Yesterday, I got an ego massage. I was feeling really smug about it the whole evening. My ex colleague calls me and says that I have a fan in her office and it’s a woman and I
don’t know her. She knows about me from a TV programme my husband and I participated long time back where personally if you ask me, I looked and came across as a retard. My mother says that she is highly embarrassed about that show. The only solace is that my in laws didn’t get to see it.

Okay, forget that highly forgettable show. The whole point is somebody I didn’t even existed admires me. And it seems “she” told my friend that she wants her life to be exactly like mine.

So today , I am in office wearing blue eye shadow and not looking sleepy/bored/cranky.
I even smiled at some walls. Who knows there might be , someone , somewhere around peering looking at me thinking. “God , I want to be like her , the blue eye shadow girl”. ( hig hopes…lol)

Also, I don’t ever want to see that girl, who wants my life. You know…I don’t want to burst her bubble.

Achachan turns eighty

My grandfather turned eighty yesterday. So I gave him a card that said something like “mighty at eighty” and we had a party. I remember when I was a child, my grandfather would get me a whole bunch of toys like dolls , kitchen set etc and there was a friend of mine who said that she wanted a grandfather just like mine. I graduated from toys to other things in life and would never adhere to the curfew imposed by grandfather. He would then shout at me saying” why are you acting like an upstart”. Then I got married , had a baby and my interaction with grandfather was a hi or a bye. He would be plonked on the sofa watching, cricket or those saga serials. Years passed by …and yesterday he turned eighty.
I like my grandfather but truly love my grandmother.
Will blog about my grandma some other day.
Poor Guy..

Hmm…forgot to tell you something that made me believe that you get what you are destined to. There is this ATM security man that i like because he is always smiling and nice to me. So I decided to give him 100 bucks. The first time, I wanted to give him the money, he was talking to someone else. So yesterday, though I was technically broke, I decided to give him 100 bucks. When I was going into with draw the money, he smiled at me. I came back and shoved the money right to his face. And I was standing like that for a few seconds. He just didn’t take the money. I looked closer and his eyes were closed and he was engrossed in the music from his radio, never realizing that just underneath his nose, I was holding 100 bucks.

So I took the money and left. He was just not destined for it.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Anger caressed her like waves on a boulder

Anger is like a worm that is eats you slowly and steadily. I am angry today. I’ve been angry with some people over the past one month. I wish I had the power to make these people suffer.

I hate rude people especially people who are rude necessarily. Today the shop keeper down my flat was extremely rude to me. I hate that bastard.

Then there is this man, who has his desk full of gods-Gods in sizes, shapes, different colours and attires. He professes to be pious and hard working but just refuses to act.
And if he doesn’t act I will not get money that is due to me and if I don’t get that money , then I cant pay that long winding credit card bill. All he has to do is to gimme a letter which he won’t. And I thought somebody said “god is work”. I am so fed up.

And then there are the others….

Just yesterday, I walked around and discovered a beautiful place. Full of greenery and soothing. I stood there under the shade of those survivor trees, savouring every second and I was thinking, why didn’t I discover this place that gives me so much of peace and happiness before? Today I walk to that place again, I see that it’s no longer beautiful. The same place that gave me so much of solace yesterday was making me claustrophobic. My lungs filled with smoke and my eyes started to water. I am crying.

Nothing is beautiful when you are angry.